"Blind to Any Connection" by Rebecca Mott
THIS MAY BE TRIGGERING.
I don’t see why porn is so often disconnected from the prostitution.
I know in my body as it screams in pain and grief that is a joining together of the two. As feel my past, I know they are not separate, but often need each other to survive.
I am writing this to say the reality of prostitution when porn is written all over the body.
Although I was abused as a child, I deeply believe that the showing of hard-core porn was the biggest factor that made me dead enough to become a prostitute.
Porn images and the words of pornographers was my training ground for the sex trade.
In porn I was taught that pain and degradation was the purpose of sex. I was taught to “enjoy” that pain and degradation.
I learn that I was an object to be fucked into, to fucked over, to be fucked until I no longer existed.
This I saw with the clear eye of a child. Then I wasted most of my adulthood trying to find reasons for that pain and degradation.
For porn teaches that women and girls are to blame for their own pain and degradation.
For they are all whores really.
One thing that amazes me is how people can view hard-core porn, and not wonder where the actresses/models come from. Not wonder how they appear so untouched by what must be painful. Why they appear not to care if it is degrading.
Why if you look with even a small amount of compassion you can see that their eyes appear dead. That much of the “acting” is robotic.
Can it not been seen that many women or girls in porn may come from other aspects of the sex trade.
Prostituted women and girls are used in porn on a regular basis, after all they are used just being a piece of meat for men. Their feelings and humanity does not matter.
But, also with “amateur” porn you can turn your girlfriend/wife into a whore.
I was often photographed, the time before videos were popular. I had records made of me after rape and torture. I had the stopping of the torture and raping, whilst I was put into a porn pose.
I cannot believe those photos were for personal use.
Being prostituted I was came up to date with the fashions in porn, whether I like it or not.
Porn was forced into my body.
I knew when “Deep Throat” was in England, as I was being chocked to death with men forcing penises down me.
My body took the hate-speech of “Hustler” and “Playboy”.
Porn taught how to make the right noises to shorten some of the raping. Porn taught how to paint on a smile when I wanted to be dead, or to murder the men.
Porn taught to hate myself, to know all I was was a fuck-object for men to masturbate into.
My essence was not allowed. All that mattered was I three holes and two hands.
So, I do get very furious at the complicity to porn.
I say prove that it is harmless.
Prove it on the bodies of far too many prostituted women and girls.
For they are in the front-line of the hate, degradation and pain that is porn-speak.
Porn placed poison into my body, and I spent the rest of my life trying to rid myself of it.Back to Survivor Stories